Married and watching porn
Published by MadMan December 7th, 2004 in Culture and SocietyShanti says that married men who watch porn by themselves are committing “mental infidelity”, which is just as wrong as physical infidelity.
Shanti says that married men who watch porn by themselves are committing “mental infidelity”, which is just as wrong as physical infidelity.
I see two cognitive components in watching porn. One is the vicarious component where one fantasizes taking the role of the porn actor. And another is the non-vicarious component in which there is mere titillation. I suspect the latter is more predominant while watching porn esp. for married men so I wouldn’t equate it with mental infidelity.
I have commented on Shanti’s blog, but I’ll put everything here again for the readers’ benefit.
i am a woman- and all i can say to shanti is - you cant be serious…………boys will be boys- and the sooner we face this the better for all womankind………
M, as a woman I find the “boys will be boys” argument to be extremely condescending towards men. What is it supposed to mean? That men will never be mature enough to be responsible like women?
Shanti I think you are ’skirting’ the issue. Most men watch porn to mastrubate (beleive me when I tell you that it is not watched for the plot lines or exciting ‘climaxes’). So the real issue is - is it ok to mastrubate when you are married? Now women mastrubate too, only they don’t use porn as they they are not as visually stimulated as men and can use their imaginations.
I believe (and so do the experts) that it is perfectly ok to mastrubate in a relationship. No two people are alike in their libido and mastrubation seems to be an ideal safe alternative to relieve sexual tension.
I think Ck’s stroking a debate here. I’d agree with him. Except that the word is masturbate
;-)
Alright Yazad, don’t choke the monkey yet. If Shanti further doubts that women equally check the ’status of the I/O port’ (in hardware terms) here is a list of commonly used synonyms for masturbation - for women. As you can see the number of synonyms for women is as long as it is for men.
I think marriage is a contract between two individuals. And what they do within that contract is upto them. We cant define one set of rules for all such contracts. So I think what actions will be consider as infidelity will vary for each couple.
Ck,
Am not sure if you need the literal act at all. Your attempts at the figurative part seem quite sufficient.
men and porn are pretty synonymous…….women in the know also use porn- perhaps as ck says not so much visual……..but alternative sources. to each his own- no condescension here- just down right acceptance and understanding of male needs.
Ck, that link was very funny. BTW, I’d posted a twisted version of the Macarena on my (now defunct) PJ blog. Have a dekho!
The Masturbata
Yazad…the Masturbata rocks..
Never did like the original song.. but now atleast it will bring on a smile :-)
Ck, masturbation is fine to an extent - I know men and women do it and I am not afraid of talking about it. fact is that masturbation is ultimately an exclusionary act - it is purely personal and the spouse is not included in it at all. If you get to the point you can get by without really needing your spouse or reaching out to your spouse, isn’t there something wrong with the marriage?
Folks - marriage, monogamy and sex are just as overated as the other, you sooner or later find that out - if you live long enough ;)
Actually Shanti - according to the experts (I forget her name but there’s this 70 yr old Jewish Grandma who come on the Oxygen channel late at night and talks about sex), masturbation is actually an enhacement to sex not an exclusionary act.
Women who masturbate actually have better and more frequent orgasms than those who don’t as they are more in tune with their bodies and what works for them and what doesn’t and can communicate the same to their partners.
For men, masturbation can actually enhance the sexual experience by making it last longer. The average man normally takes about 5 minutes to give the seamen shore leave (sorry couldn’t resist) while a woman normally takes about 15 minutes. And as you know that once all the seamen have left the ship, there is not much a man can do. By giving the seamen early shore leave, the man can ensure that they are not as eager to jump ship and are willing to stick around for an extra 10 minutes.
So actually all you women should be encouraging this not denouncing it.
CK, you’re talking about Dr. Ruth Westheimer, who is now 76. ;)
“Firstly, it shows this man doesn’t find his wife attractive enough..”
And? Is that a sin? People “suffer” far greater things than “infidelity” in the world for a lot of other reasons. People change, circumstances change. What’s wrong with that? A marriage is not all about sexual attraction. If it is, then its too measly to bother to save anyway. And if its not, then small adventures can’t be termed as infedilities.
Geez, for sure sex is heavily overrated in this world.
Shanti, You know I love your blog, but you do get yourself tangled into logical fallacies at times. And then you keep tangling the knot further. :)
Yazad, Shanti might have st[r]oked the proverbial fire by bringing out this topic;
have just come across your post on this and at this point can’t go back to the history that brought it up, but, marriage by itself is not a binding factor and end of all sex related thoughts and acts for men and women not to even ‘think’ about sex with anyone else.
I remember Eyes Wide Shut where this ‘mental infedility’ was taken to a whole new level.
It is not ‘WRONG’ to fantasize or engage in sexual activities outside the marriage border - and this is a relative point of view, can’t be applied to all and sundry
marriage does not put an end to a person being sexually limited to masturbating or one partner, though yes, there is someone legally available next to you to have sex with, but it is also supposed to make an individual mature to deal with life as it comes along, be it fantasies or partner selection.
I believe this is a universal thought, what with polyamory and polygamy co-existing with monogamy and mono-amorous(?) relationships.
More than once have I heard marriage being called a legalized whoring…
“there is someone legally available next to you to have sex with”
What has that got to do with marriage? Sex is legal as long as it is between two consenting adults, and is illegal if there isn’t consent; marriage or not. Sex is an important part of marriage, but marriage is not a passport for sex… or so do I believe.
“marriage does not […] one partner”
Any relationship, marraige or not, is about commitment. So, with that view, it does implicitly or explicitly limit to one partner.
“supposed to make an individual mature”
Again, you lost me completely. How is marriage supposed to make an individual mature?
well, i personaly dont like my men watching porn, because i feel like he like that women better then me, and it is not like i am bad in bed i am great and he says it but i am just very jealous and just the thought of him watching another women bothers me, even though he still does it behind my back and we have many problems for that but i just dont understand porn because if he just sees it for the act then why does it have to be beautiful women
Cindy, I completely agree with you because me and boyfriend are constantly arguing about him watching porn. I hate arguing but i will not let this issue keep coming up. I wish he would just stop but it is not that easy. If I enjoyed porn I would watch it. When he watches it, the way you feel is exactly how I feel. He keeps “reassuring me” that I am the best and only one for him. I i am the “best” then why continue to watch it? He tells me that he is afraid that i would think its the only reason he is with me. He tells me he watches it only when i am sleeping and he is horny. He says that he doesnt want to bother me everytime he is horny. I get so depressed sometimes I want to kill myself. I think sometimes that im crazy and I dont know what to do. I guess im just too stubborn and just want things my way or no way. Im afraid porn is going to break us up and it is really sad.
I have just read all these posts. My husband and I have just separated after 20 years because he must download pictures of women and then masturbate. I don’t understand have tried. We reached a compromise that as long as I didn’t know about it I could cope. Unfortunately he just hid it better on the computer!
We have agreed to disagree as he says he can’t stop.
I think it is a waste but I don’t want to keep feeling inadequate.
Why do YOU feel inadequate? It is not about YOU. The whole world (married or not) does not revolve around YOU.
I love my wife. In many ways, my world does revolve around her. I work so that she can have the things she wants, needs etc. We love each other.
Why the last two women who posted on this site feel it is their responsibility to take ownership of their partner’s sexual organs is beyond me. If we need to pee, we have to pee. If we need to have sex, we have to take care of that too. It is not an issue of feelings and emotions. It is an issue of reality.
You should not want to kill yourself over things like this. If you do, please seek counseling. You have value in yourself. You are not inadequate. He stays with you because he loves/needs you. You should be happy you have a husband - not lamenting that you cannot store his penis in your handbag and only give it out on special occasions.
(sorry if I was too blunt… I am practically quoting Dr. Laura though.)
To answer the girl “why does it have to be hot women”, what would you pick? If you had to pee, and you wanted to get it over with, would you choose to sit on a nice comfy seat to relax? Or would you prefer a dirty cold seat? Exactly. It is about being efficient.
I feel that men watch porn to understand how 2 adults are supposed to have good sex. The only reason i watch porn is so that I may be a good lover towards my wife/girlfriend. In no way are those imaginary girls better than a real woman. Yet most girls think that the girls are prettier and better thus makes her feel inadequate. This is not the case, there are men in there too and that does not make me feel inadequate. I think porn is healthy, but my gf doesn’t and thinks i would be cheating if i were watching it. I swear to god i wouldnt care if she watched porn.
I just hope that i can learn to stop watching as i have always felt that i am dependant on it. I cannot truely stop though, the internet makes everyhting available and it’s better than a b movie and only take 10 minutes to watch a full movie.
WHat do i do, quit for good and stay with girlfriend?
or be a porn freak and become a masterbator???
woe is me
bill maybe your girl friend feels threated by the fact that you watch porn. she probably feels
that you find them more interesting and more atractive than her.
I could accept the porn with no problems whatsoever, if i felt as if he enjoyed me as much as he did them. I have an extremely large sexual appetite. i never turn him down. Never reject any new “ideas” either. I have a great bod, very nice looking. The problem is, I cannot get him to look at my body like he does the porn or the pics on the internet. I can’t help but wonder if he is bored with my body. The worst part is that the days that he sneaks to look at porn on the pc (I always know) he turns me down for sex. How am I not supposed to let that bother me?
So glad this post is still going. On day 3 of argument with husband over finding pornography in our house. It was printed 11 days before our anniversary, and I know that I am analyzing it way too much. He says other guys have more of it and I shouldn’t be making such a big deal about it. Yet, it hurts my feelings.
I don’t look A THING like the women he is looking at. I will never have a body like them! Half of them are airbrushed anyways, so they are setting up a standard for his excitement that I can never possibly reach.
I agree with Shanti on this one. It FEELS like mental infidelity.
I don’t think this is something on which I want to compromise. A man should only desire his woman’s body. If you aren’t satisfied by one woman, why get married?
Also, I don’t see the porn=masturbation connection. I don’t care if my husband masturbates. I just don’t want other naked women in my bedroom: real or on paper!
I agree with the men and women on this issue. I can understand that the women will feel like they are not attractive enough for thier partners. But I also agree with the men.
I feel that most women would’nt like it If thier husband was always bugging them about sex. Men have a big sexual hunger that most women can’t always be thier for.
I have been caught watching porn by my wife and I have promised her that I would never do it again. The problem is that I haven’t stoped. Now that she started working she is no longer home for me to jump on. I do love my wife very very much and find her extremly attractive but she can’t be thier every minute of the day when I get an aurge. I mean I don’t choose porn over her because if she was here I would be all over her right now.
I have tried to stop watching it but I can never quit. The fact is that it’s like a drug. It is very addiccting for men. I would like to stop and wish I had my wife’s help but I’m afraid that if I tell her she will hate me forever. She is like most women who don’t understand that it is a way to release ***unwanted*** sexual tension.
RIDICULOUS! all of it. boys will be boys is a statement that only a woman who thinks her job in life is to please her man would make. you might think you are of a new generation and have a grasp on modern thought but you are only showing a weakness already attributed to our gender. the thing all men depend on, which is that a womnan will eventually give in to what her man wants, even if it hurts her. there are a thousand excuses for why men watch porn and none good or acceptable. *i do it because im bored, ..go for a bike ride, read a book, watch a movie. dont disrespect your significant other and yes i do see it as disrespect. btw tell me if its so OK and all men do it as ive also heard countless times, then why do you hide it? hmm seems to me you have some doubts yourselves that its a great thing… * i watch it because your not there..sooo you miss me in a sense..thank you…. so why not think of me instead of looking at women who have no resemblance. are all women the same? any will do? if thats so then men have traveled back in time to the days when they lived in caves and have not evolved past the physical since. whats else..*i watch porn because i like it. that statement in itself means nothing to a woman. whyyyy do you like it is our question. you like it because you see things you dont have. (and by the way will probably never get)you are watching a blonde with huge breasts and your significant other looks nothing like that does she… so tell me, when men watch porn what do they see..they see exactly what is there and not as one would say to help jumpstart his imagination. lets say your watching a cooking show, bobby flay is grilling some steak. are you telling me that you are not imagining having that steak in your hands and mouth tasting that steak? of course you are. same goes with guys and porn. mental infidelity? you got that right. oh and if you excuse it because women have magazines like playgirl look at the statistics and notice that gay men and not women buy the majority. im sorry for those women who have fealt the awful pain of finding out the truth of what their men do when they are not around. modern society instead of working toward the future of womens rights, is silently cutting the rug out from under our feet. every woman idealized on screen, posters magazines videos etc no matter if that woman in them knows it or not, is there to take back a world in which men are dominant. this is in fact a huge issue, one that i wont go further into. the other of course is the psychological damage a woman can experience from feelings related to their men’s habits. you love your wife? well your doing a heck of a job protecting her sanity. its not one woman who feels insecure and unwanted because of this its the majority. place yourselves in our shoes, our walls covered with pictures of huge cocks, muscles chests, square jawed gods, our computer hiding countless videos we drool over when your out playing golf with your friends or having a beer at the nearby pub, magazines stuffed into our purses with pictures of men in positions that were equal to those in a mans magazine. ohhhh you would love that wouldnt you. the stress placed on women in todays world is anough to drive even the best of us insane….. cant wait for your comments. women wake up. your not puppets. men , stop fooling yourselves.
So what do YOU as a women suppose men do with thier feelings of always wanting sex? How should we control ourselves and do it as to not make our partners angry or annoyed by our nature? How do women do it or is it not on thier mind all the time? What do you suggest?
I logged onto this site looking for answers. My husband has porn videos and masturbates to them when I am not around. I have tried to explain the pain it causes me, the feelings of inadequaces to sum it up. He refuses to stop. Says he grew up with it. He likes it too much. I was even willing to accept that “all men do it” until I read Elizabeth’s reply. She’s right. To make matters worse for myself, my husband has a favorite porn star. He refuses to give up the tape. Mental infidelity…I must have been crazy to try and convince myself otherwise. And the cold reality that I am facing is that if my husband cared at all for me he would at least try and stop. The sneaking is the worst part I think. I know everytime. Elizabeth hit it perfectly when she pointed out, how would men feel if we women lusted after other men behind our spouses backs the same way. I guarantee their insecurities would shine through.
After reading this site, I see that yes, your man watching porn can drive a woman crazy eventually, take away her fun side where she just wants to run around the house naked with you when the children are away, take a tub bath or wear something sexy to bed and feel sexy. The porn takes this away from us did you know that guys? Eventually it wears on a woman and even if she says it doesn’t it does. I have a plan now after reading this site. Since hubby wants to watch XXspice flicks at night then I’m going to start buying playgirl, checking out naked men videos on the net and leaving them around on the desktop, planting a calander up which has hot half naked guys on it way better built and better looking than my husband and just sit back and wait for the effects. I am sure that within a day he will be angry, jealous and feel less of a man, expecially after I check out pictures and movies of men built lets say a few inches longer and thicker than he is. I also have purchased a female toy, which is much larger than he is and just another thing to make him feel SMALL and INADIQUATE and maybe less of a man and the first time he mentions it and shows his ass I’m going to say to him what he says to me. It means nothing hon, I’m not comparing you to anything, it’s a girl thing. After wards when he has this insecurity brewing inside and I can see it I’ll remind him of all the porn hes checked out and put in my face and tell him to “Get over it”… “grow up”… and stop being so insecure, just like he told me. Trust me I had a picture of Brad Pitt up on the fridge once, he took it down saying a married woman does not hang up pictures of other guys they think are hot and was all upset that I even looked at another man as SEXY or GOODLOOKING it was wrong in his eyes… Go figure!
Oh yeah just another thing… I purchased a cam for my computer last week and told him since he likes the flicks so much I’ll make some. He was furious and told me i was a married woman and shouldn’t do that. I said you like it.. You pay for stuff like this so you must like it. He had nothing to say because I’m right. So I created movies and left them on the desktop, password protected. Now he can sit and wonder…. has she met someone, is there a man video up there that she likes, and feel all the insecurities I have felt and you know what that is my revenge. Let him hurt, feel insecure and I dare him to complain about it even once.
I was married once for 13 years and would catch my husband with either videos or pics of porn every now and then throughout the years. Knowing fully well it upsets me, he would make up some kind of excuse how it got there. It would really hurt me.I am a christian and I know scripture says that even looking upon another women with lust is no different from cheating. It’s not only the moral issue of it, but being a woman, something inside hurts and disturbs me about this.
I am engaged to this other man now and saw after a few months of dating, he too had porn stored in his favorites files on the pc. It makes me also feel less of a woman and I am attractive and feel I just want to look my best and do my best for only him but this stuff gets in the way of that and it angers me. I have to wonder if when we’re doing stuff if he’s thinking then of some type of porn he may just have seen. It disgusts me.
Christie,
I totally feel your pain… I’m Lori, I know how you feel and I totally understand what your saying. We choose to stay with these creaps, so I’ll ask you, being as you are in the same emotional state I am… What is wrong with us, and why do we stay with these men?
Lori
You know, My boyfriend is ‘addicted’ to porn. and he wont stop..he once told me that either i deal with it or i can leave the relationship. I tried to reason with him. He just dont understand how I feel about it. I said but your thinking about screwing another woman in your head that’s cheating..and he said…”let’s say your in court..and the judge just gave you 50 yrs to life in prison..for thinking of killing someone? Even though it was just a thought, you really didnt kill that person.. it’s the same thing” With this porn issue it’s just made me insecure so I am always jealous. Example, when we go out and he glances at a girl automatically I think he’s thinking sexual about her..Same with TV. The messed up part about it is..He wont let me wear tank tops..he said he’d break up with me if I wore one out in public..because, I have too much cleavage. Which is true. But why not? you look at other boyfriend’s women you fantasize about screwing them…so why can’t another man fantasize about me? IT’s human nature. Besides I’m not naked. I have a tank top on? He’s confused. We just got into a huge argument tonight. and I love him to death. But, I cant deal with this shit. Why cant there be old fashioned men that just only care about and fantasize about thier own women??? Anyways, he wants me to come over tomorrow and talk about it. He said he wants to compromise…so you know what i’m going to do ladies? I am going to start making him jealous..I am going to go over there with a short skirt and a very revealing tank top…give him a dose of his own medicine..and if he gets mad….I’ll say screw it? does it matter? at least im not cheating on you with internet porn bots….if he wants to do what he wants to do than fuck it…I’ll do what I want to do….when I want to do it, and I’ll wear what I want to wear in public..he wants to play games…SO CAN I…
let the games begin!
Chrisalyne AMEN to ya! Just last night I decided to do just like he does so he walks in my room and sees some hot guy desktop and some porn magazines naked MEN of course, but some very large men. OH BOY did he freak out. I said if you can look at it so can I. What you said about the tank tops, mine does that too and for the same reason. They don’t want you to wear it, but will pay to see someone else in it. That makes no sense. I have ordered all kinds of mags, calandars and I now have a virtual male stripper on my desktop who will strip for me FOR FREE when ever I want him to. Wait till he sees that. What is good for one is good for the other, wear what you want and look at what you want. Eventually with you looking at MUCH LARGER men, he will begin to feel inadequate and small and then the insecurities will set in, don’t comfort him either because he didn’t comfort you!
Chrisalyne,
You feel its a game, I am glad you feel you need to blast your boyfriends or “men” on here. glad to see you making a fool of yourselfs and them, the fact is thats your Mens privicy and if they feel they would like to do it in the privicy of there own mind so be it.. who are you to say anything about it. Chrisalyne you found out about me threw me telling you I trusted you with that information and privicy.. and what do you do but Blast my privicy on a web site.. make it into some game, joke, some women conquest, to humileate the very man you love. I know if i was to say your business accossed the internet you would be as mad as myself, its cool i just know i dont make fun of you on the net. dont put u on blast to anyone I talk to.. but you say your the better of this relationship sad…
dear so and so..
First, I am NOT BLASTING YOU…
I am Blasting PORN….
there is a difference.
I never said I was better than ANYONE..
your humiliated? HOW?
I never said your name..no one knows who we are…so how are you humiliated?
To the Unknown in Chrisalynes defense:
I don’t think it matters if you do this in private, in your own home. The point is it is totally disrespectful. How would you feel “blasted”? If you feel it’s the right thing to do then why would you feel humiliated? It took my doing this in return to my man for only one day for him to see how it hurts and how it compairs him to other men. The dish now has a block on the porn stations, which he let me set the passcode on. He admits, because hes man enough yes he was looking at it curious of course, but agrees that no husband should be doing this because yes it degrades women and places your wife/girlfriend in a place where she feels shes not enough. Men like to look at women sure they do, but the only naked one they should be lusting over is their own girl, it’s called RESPECT. I gave mine a taste of his own, dished it out back to him only to see that he too reacted just like I did, hurt and felt insecure wondering if he was enough. Remember guy there are many nice guys out there and no woman has to put up with the one who dishes out crap and says deal with it, sure she can deal you right out the door and it would be your own fault, she warned you. Go ahead keep hurting your girl, if you cared for her even one bit you would throw that crap out and just love what’s right infront of you, the real, live woman. Shes mature enough to give you a chance to quit it, you should take it you have a woman with values now, you will want that when you finally grow up!
I agree with you Lori, I am a married man. I only think about my wife. Porn is affecting society. Chrisalyne, obviously he can not get over the fact that porn needs to be in his life. Maybe you should find somebody better. I know there are men that would never do that to their wife/girlfriend. I love my wife, extremely.
If he really loves you than he’d stop for you. If he doesn’t than he most likely won’t stop. Than find somebody who will not do that to you.
I believe that it would be cheating. Married or not. That’s something men do when they are single and at the ages of 14-18. Maybe he isn’t so mature enough to even have a girlfriend. I think he don’t care about you. If he had enough nerve to tell you to deal with it or leave the relationship. My opinion, LEAVE HIM.
He’s not man enough to have you. Especially doing this knowing that it hurts you. DO YOU THINK HE ACTUALLY LOVES YOU? really, think about it chrisalyne, dont be stupid. He don’t care about you or your feelings. Stop letting him continue to hurt you. DON’T THAT RING A BELL IN YOUR HEAD? Lori, another good point. Your a live human being. There is nothing better than the intimacy of the human touch. When he has that, why would he want to waste it on some retarted virtual girl that isnt even real. They are airbrushed. Them girls dont really look like that, just like models. They really ain’t that hot, they look like it because it’s all computer generated. IT’S FAKE. Acually, some of them are F#&*%ing UGLY. If he can’t see what’s in front of him. Than he will never see it. So don’t waste your time or your feelings. I am a male, and I can even say that, that is pretty childish.
I have a great Idea. If he keeps watching porn. Because, it is cheating. Just find a cute guy. Then cheat on him. See how good he feels :).
Make him feel like he’s not worthy.
-carol
i just found out that my husband watches porn. He doesnt know that I know yet. I dont know how to confront him about it. PLEASE HELP!!!!! I feel like he lost al respect for me.
-lissa
Hi Mike, thanks for your comments. My 2 days of placing porn around and reminding my husband of how it hurt and disrespected me was all it took. The porn channel is of the satilite dish, with his permission I blocked it with my own pass code so I would feel comfortable that it will never again be watched on our tv, let alone it come out of our family funds to pay for it. I think the kicker was him seeing pictures of men I had downloaded to my computer, and I didn’t hide it, I left it right out in the open for him to DEAL with and LOOK at for 2 days. When he asked me to remove it because is bothered him, I waited an extra day just so he could feel what I felt, he did. When I saw the frustration and saw that he finally felt like I did I removed it all. He saw and felt that he could never be that man no matter what he did physically and then he finally understood, but I wanted him to feel it first. I purchased a few cute little night outfits and now I get little notes left for me in the morning of how cute and sexy I looked the night before. Maybe those sweats got boring to him. He has said he was sorry and knows now the pain it has caused. I hated to hurt him in return, but that was the ONLY way he would understand how I felt so I had to do it back. Feels different when it’s done to them trust me. They can dish it out and hide it, but when their wife dishes it out and doesn’t hide it they flip out. At least I did not hide it, I felt well if its ok for you to do I will too, but I wont sneak around I’ll just do it and put it in your face. Ladies… it works, he was green with jealousy and quite embarrassed about hiding his porn. When someone hides their actions that is the tell tale sign that they themselves feel it’s wrong because if they did not think it was wrong they would do it right in front of you without shame, but these guys sneak and hide it so they know it’s wrong. I hope to never have this issue come up again in my life. Yes men can look, and all do, so do women, but please look at folks who are dressed, because anything else suggests you desire more and that hurts anyone who has given their heart to you in marriage for life with the promise to love, trust in any situation till death do you part. You can’t trust anyone who sneaks porn behind your back, once you loose the trust the marriage is over, because trust is why you married them to start with, you trusted this person to love and respect you all the days of their lives and when they don’t they failed not you and they know it. I’m ok now, i hope you all have tried what I tried it really did work. Cut off the internet, set a porn block and if he loves you he will say go ahead because he knows and accepts he was WRONG and for you to trust him again you should have the permission to block it without question or explaination. I gave my husband the pass code he said he did not need it throw it out, it was not worth loosing his wife over. He wanted me to love him, respect him and trust him, how could I if he was sneaking porn? He undestands this now. It only took 2 days to make my point. He gets it! OH and Carol, cheating is worse then watching porn, I wouldn’t suggest anyone actually cheat to get back at their man, why go lower than he did? Your only bringing yourself to his level. To prove a point you do EXACTLY what they did, tell them to deal with it that it’s only pictures or porn not a big deal, your just curious about it and sit back and wait for them to boil. It shows right away, they can’t take in what they just dished out and they can’t say anything to you about it because they are doing it, can’t tell you to turn it off and the butt kicker is you do it right infront of their face, no hiding it. Just try it for a few days, you’ll see what I mean. Don’t rub it in their face, just leave it around the house, on your computer but don’t hide it. 2 days tops your man will rethink his comments about it’s ok to watch porn and you should deal with it. The most fun part is listening to their reasons on why they don’t want you to watch it listen hard to the reasons they are telling us in their little boy way they are hurt and feel insecure but remember we told them for weeks how hurt we were, so be mature and once he opens up remove all the porn and show him what real maturity is, trust me they see how quickly you stop doing something to hurt them, while it took weeks for them to listen to you, they are left humiliated and well I say “you’ll just have to get over it”…
Oh by the way ladies… When he asks why you were watching it or looking at it (and he will) don’t say for revenge, tell him what he told you (and word for word) because if he expected you to accept that explaination then it’s good enough for him isn’t it? He wont like your reason, but in your head you can laugh because he thought it was good enough explaination for you and will forget that it was the explaination he gave you and tell you (thats not a good reason). I almost burst out laughing when my reason was not good enough for him, but only quoted word for word his reasoning for watching the porn, he was so humiliated when I reminded him that reason is what he expected me to accept, he was silent after that… I mean WHAT could he say?
My husband does internet porn and then comes to bed with no respect for me and finishes off the act. Last week - 30 seconds for his orgasm. he never even kissed me. He says he needs it because he is over 50 and can’t always “get it up”. How do I deal with this?
The fact is a wife and children are a MANS most prized gifts in life. A teenage BOY who owns a hot rod car will wash it faithfully, wax it, vacume it, and stand by it proud and openly proclaim how beautiful it is, how much they love it and will always say I’m never going to get rid of this car I love it too much I have put too much work into it to ever let it go. Now, my point is… Any MAN who damages your self worth by watching porn is openly saying you are NOT his most prized gift, you have no value because if you were or did he would stand by you and openly say “I’m never going to let you go no matter how much work it takes”… Do you think for even one second that teenage BOY ever let another boy drive his hot rod car? NO WAY. So my second point is hes riding the other woman so woman number one is truly NOT number one. The only reason men watch porn is because the wife no longer turns them on like the porn does and they want that feeling back without cheating on the wife, what they are too stupid to see is the porn watching is cheating, they are lusting, wanting and dreaming about another woman then coming to bed with you, eyes closed and finishing up the act. The woman they are having sex with at that point is not you. You are simply the body they used to finsih off the fantasy they have in their heads. Your best bet is to reject the sex and tell them when YOU and YOU alone are the one turning them on you will respond, but until then “Let them Jerk OFF”… Don’t let him use you like a whore, have respect for yourself, stand up to it and say no.
jeanne,
that was beautiful! I SOOO agree.
because of what you said.
First…
” A teenage BOY who owns a hot rod car will wash it faithfully, wax it, vacuum it, and stand by it proud and openly proclaim how beautiful it is, how much they love it and will always say I’m never going to get rid of this car I love it too much I have put too much work into it to ever let it go. Now, my point is Any MAN who damages your self worth by watching porn is openly saying you are NOT his most prized gift, you have no value because if you were or did he would stand by you”
and…
“The only reason men watch porn is because the wife no longer turns them on”
than….
“what they are too stupid to see is the porn watching is cheating, they are lusting, wanting and dreaming about another woman then coming to bed with you”
FINALLY..
Don’t let him use you like a whore, have respect for yourself, stand up to it and say no.
that is a great way to put it. because it is true. it does make you feel like you dont turn your man on..your your not enough…or your not good enough..and it really does damage your self worth..makes you feel like your worthless…makes you feel like why am i even bothering having sex…he dont want me…i’m just a body to full fill his dream/fantasy. And it really hurts.
Thank you. I am Lori’s friend and the other evening we talked about this and the story about the car and the teenage boy was what flew out of her mouth. She said put it up on the site, so as she spoke I typed as quickly as I could. She was finally able to let it out, what this porn crap has really done. I myself am divorced over porn and internet chats. He had to pick me or the porn, he said me of course, but then just was sneaky about the porn. I gave him the boot. I will not wait for him to decide what he wants in life, while I’m on hold trying to figure out my life. I’m going to keep moving on with mine, and when you act like a loving mature man I will let you in. The worst part is most woman stay and let the men degrade them over and over, until they have no self worth left. The truth is they are the ones with no self worth. When a person is depressed or feels insecure they will try to bring whom ever is around them to their level, even if this means down. They will either boost themselfs up or down the other, either way they want to feel even with that person and most of the time they are downing someone rather than boosting themself up. If they would boost their mate, rather then down them, married life would be the way it was meant to be. To many of us are jealous of one another these days so we put others down only to make ourselves feel better. In the end we feel worse because we still feel bad, and now we have someone who is now angry with us and is sad. What is wrong with being happy and honest and nice to each other? Where did love and respect go? The reasons we fall in love should be the same reasons we stay in love, you can’t love them to death, then start to watch porn in the middle of a relationship, that only tells the mate “there is a HUGE problem”, so when she asks and he says there is no problem, she knows he’s not being truthful and then thats when hell starts. She can’t trust him, she thinks he lies, she checks his phone, car, wallet and when it all comes down the man blames her for it. If he had be open with her before the porn and said honey I feel a problem between us lets talk and work it out, well in most cases with a mature woman you could work on it to fix it, but most guys would rather avoid the conflict and not wash and wax the car, and you know that just leave ya a dirty, ugly car. Just how everyone in here feels, dirty and ugly because someone wont spend the time to give ya a good waxing. Remember the boy, well he wouldn’t let his car get dirty, no way, but that man will let his wife walk in mud? Ditch all of them and move on, find you someone who will keep the trash out of your life.
amen~!
I was happy to find this site where I was able to see so many women feeling the way I do and was uncertain until today that I was correct in feeling the way that I do. My husband and I have what I always thought to be a Wonderful sex life. We are very active and I am very open to new and exciting things. We have always watched porn together. I always felt that if I watched it with him there would be no reason for him to feel the need to watch in my absence. We would watch and have amazing sex afterwards. Did it cross my mind that he was possibly thinking of the girls we just saw, absolutely. Honestly, at that moment it didn’t seem to matter because I was enjoying the moment. I recently was on the computer and came across a website was visited showing an athlete in porn. It prompted me to continue searching and I came across MANY others. When I asked my husband, he claimed that I was making a big deal about it..He was merely BORED when he went to the bathroom and went on these sites. I feel that to some extent he has been cheating on me mentally. I was surprised to hear that he was bored when he knows he has me who is always willing and able! I know that I am a beautiful woman and have never had any inferiority complexes before but now I feel like I am no longer attractive enough to keep my husband interested in me. I guess I have to find a way to get out of this funk… Getting this out really helped.
Basically ladies, join the navy
~~~OR THE ARMY~~~ ;)
I am so happy to have found this site. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and he swears that I am the only woman for him, which would be great if it were true. But it sounds so trite and so cliche now. He sneaks internet porn on a fairly regular basis. When I found it and approached him, he freaked and got pissed at me for snooping. (What the fuck???) Each time I “snoop”, I find some. We’ve gone over how it makes me feel and why it bothers me so much (inadequate feelings, not attracted to me anymore) but it seems to mean nothing. He says he’s sorry, but uses excuses like “what guy doesn’t use porn?” or my favorite, “I could be cheating and you’re giving me shit for looking at some whores on the internet?” Is he an addict?? He even sneaks it on his phone/computer/palm pilot. Does this mean he’s jerking off in the car somewhere on the side of the road? Oh my God - it bothers me so much. I can’t tell anyone about my problem (friends or family) because I don’t want them to know or see him in a different light. He’s a great husband (not very affectionate, though) and I love him so much. Thoughts of leaving him have occurred to me because sometimes I feel like I just can’t take it. Problem is, we’ve got a 2 year old son and I can’t imagine something ripping our family apart like PORN! If anyone has any ideas or comments for me, I’m dying to hear them. I have no one to talk to about this. He even secretly tapped us having sex once and says he watches that when he needs to masterbate. Then why does he still use the internet porn? Is it the variety? Is he just frickin’ bored? And these other women are right - by far the worst part is him sneaking it. He’ll even call sometimes when I’m out shopping with my son to see if I’m home. When I get home I know he’s been there and done his thing. My heart starts racing and I feel like I’m going to explode with anger.
I thought for sure I was the only woman who felt this way. I figured I shouldn’t talk to many of my friends about it because they’d think I was crazy - of course men watch porn. I just don’t understand why mine would if he was with me. Whether it’s occasional or not, it happens. I hate it..hate it so much that I don’t want to be with him. If he “doesn’t watch it for the women” then why the hell else would you watch it? I overheard one of his friends saying that magazines like Maxim are out there for the guys whose wives don’t let them buy Playboy, etc. That’s just sick. I hate how I feel right now. I don’t want to be the controlling type, but at the same time I hate that he thinks it’s completely natural to watch porn. I don’t feel the need to go to a male strip club because I am with him. He shouldn’t think it’s ok to watch porn or say that strip clubs are fine. They’re not fine when you are committed to someone! I don’t want him to be in the same room as a naked woman. So what if you say “so what if I look? As long as I’m not acting on anything”..the fact that you have 100 guys surrounded by many naked women scares me. They’re naked! Why can he not see that! If he wants to see a naked woman, he has me! I really don’t mean to sound conceited, but I’m not even bad to look at. He tells me how hot I am all the time. That shouldn’t even matter, though. If you say you want to be with me, then beeee with me. Don’t watch porn then want to have sex more so with me. I feel like I’m just the doll that’s there so he can watch it on tv then do it in the bed. I can’t take it. I even thought typing this out would make me feel better, but I definitely feel shitty.
I hope that if you’re a man and reading this and you do watch porn, and your gf or wife is anything like me, it really does hurt. You can say that you need to relieve sexual urges when your wife is sleeping or she’s at work, but it hurts.
Chrisalyne said earlier that she feels so insecure that she’s jealous. I’ve never been the jealous type and now I’m jealous of a PORNSTAR! Sure I can make my man hot by just touching him, but when I’m not there he needs another woman to make him hot? She also said that when her man looks at another woman even for a quick glance she feels it’s sexual - I completely noticed that in myself yesterday. Everyone was looking at this drunk girl yesterday, but I felt like he looked her up and down.
Ugggghhh. I can’t write anymore. I can’t think anymore. I hate porn. ..hate it!
Hey ladies….
I to have the same problem with my new husband of two years. He was single for 10 years prior and used porn for his release and continued to do that after we were married. I watched and confronted him…Deny and lie….but made my point. If these are the rules…I will play too.
I am very attractive woman and get looks constantly and he hates that …but I work it. If he puts is desire some place else….I will get it from someone else…Sorry…Don’t leave me hungry…the are plenty of others who want to feed me. Men sometimes can’t feel what effects they have on you until you turn the tables.
When he looks…I look. When he acts like I am not a big deal…He is no longer a big deal…Men don’t get it. I get turned on by him showing me how much he desires me.
I can tell that turning the tables is working…and I hate that game,but I do love him in a lot of different ways and hope we can work this out…but he doesn’t like to talk about this issue and says it is my problem and more or less denies it all.
I am glad to find this site. It helps me know I am not alone in this fight to be respected and desired by the one has committed to me.
Here are your choices…
1. Confront him/her
2. Listen to their reason for doing this
3. Tell them of your pain and exactly why this hurts
4. Now any man/woman that loves you and wants the best for you at this point in his/her life would say they are sorry for causing you pain, say they are sorry for the disrespect and never do it again.
It is as simple as that. He stops and you never mention it again. The end. Now if he does not and he is fighting for why he wants to watch it or denies it then the best thing you can do is finally see him for what he is and move on. Love would not do this to another, love would not cause pain intentionally, love would not let you feel insecure. Love is respect and bringing each other up, not down. Here look below, read this and then ask yourself again DOES HE LOVE ME?
love ( P ) Pronunciation Key (lv)
A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
Sexual passion.
Sexual intercourse.
A love affair.
An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
An expression of one’s affection: Send him my love.
A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.
Love Mythology. Eros or Cupid.
often Love Christianity. Charity.
Sports. A zero score in tennis.
v. loved, lov·ing, loves
v. tr.
To have a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward (a person): We love our parents. I love my friends.
To have a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward (a person).
To have an intense emotional attachment to: loves his house.
To embrace or caress.
To have sexual intercourse with.
To like or desire enthusiastically: loves swimming.
Theology. To have charity for.
To thrive on; need: The cactus loves hot, dry air.
v. intr.
To experience deep affection or intense desire for another.
Idioms:
for love
Out of compassion; with no thought for a reward: She volunteers at the hospital for love.
for love or money
Under any circumstances. Usually used in negative sentences: I would not do that for love or money.
for the love of
For the sake of; in consideration for: did it all for the love of praise.
in love
Deeply or passionately enamored: a young couple in love.
Highly or immoderately fond: in love with Japanese painting; in love with the sound of her own voice.
no love lost
No affection; animosity: There’s no love lost between them.
——————————————————————————–
[Middle English, from Old English lufu. See leubh- in Indo-European Roots.]
Synonyms: love, affection, devotion, fondness, infatuation
These nouns denote feelings of warm personal attachment or strong attraction to another person. Love is the most intense: marrying for love. Affection is a less ardent and more unvarying feeling of tender regard: parental affection. Devotion is earnest, affectionate dedication and implies selflessness: teachers admired for their devotion to children. Fondness is strong liking or affection: a fondness for small animals. Infatuation is foolish or extravagant attraction, often of short duration: lovers blinded to their differences by their mutual infatuation.
MY HUSBAND JUST CAME HOME FROM IRAQ. i dont no what to do about my husband. i have caught him a couple of times before with porn but now he just got back from iraq 4 months ago and we just had a new baby 2 months ago. i was on bed rest during my pregnancy and could not do much when he got back then after the baby was born i had recovery and i had some more problems. now that we are able to have sex he does not want to most of the times i think he might not want sex with me cause i gained 70 lbs. on bed rest .he has been staying up real late he comes up stairs to close my door then goes down stairs and watches tv and the internet. he turns the tv all the way down and when i come down stairs to make the babys bottle he yells at me ‘what are you doing?’ then tells me to go back up stairs. and he only eraises the history for the computer at night when i am asleep. i dont no what to do because he says he does not like porn but he said that his freinds had it in iraq and he had to look at it cause it was sitting all over the place. im not stupid i no he likes it. but i dont. it makes me look at him like he is the nastiest person on the earth and i dont like him touching me b/c its nasty. PLEASE HELP!
Block the porn channel on the dish or cable tv call them if you don’t know how and put a porn block on the computer. Tell him you have the right to walk around the house and he has no right to inprison you by telling you to “go back upstairs”. Your not a kid, your a mother. Put trace software on the PC and it will tell you what hes doing on line. Get this from staples. Turn off the internet for a month. Loose the baby weight or try for yourself not for him, he should love you anyway you just gave birth to his child.
my b/f and i have been together for almost six months now. we have sex on a pretty regular basis (3 times a week or so). but, i know when im not around he tends to look at porn if hes ‘in the mood’…this bothers me, as well as strip clubs, for two reasons: A) id never look at another man while im with him, hes all i need and (he says he feels the same way) B)and even when another guy looks at me, he may be flatter b/c he says im attractive, but he gets mad b/c he thinks that another guy ‘hitting’ on me is disrepecting him…..wouldnt him looking at porn be just the same; disrespecting me?
Now, i know i mean the world to him, he does everything he can for me, but i dont know how to handle this porn thing, it makes me feel unwanted, or not attractive (although he tells me everyday that he doesnt know how get got me), at least not attractive enough, even if he thinks about me 24/7…just the fact that he reads Maxim and watches porn sometimes is enough to make me wonder how happy he is w/ me…
any comments? please advise me!
another comment i forgot to mention, my b/f and i just both got out of decently long relationships before we started dating (me- about a year and a half, him- almost 4 years)..he has yet to ‘offically’ say we are dating, which makes me more convinced he doesnt really want anything long term…is he just scared b/c the past relationship ended on bad terms?
Okay, apparently my situation is nothing unique. I have been married since late August of this year and I just found porn on my husband’s computer (accidentally pressing “t” instead of “y” and seeing some website titles that automatically appeared, while he was sitting next to me.) I wasn’t looking for it because I thought this was over. A few months after we started dating, I realized (truly again, an accident) he was watching porn on his computer. I flipped. He promised not to do it again. Weeks before this happened the first time, he informed me that he had once “had a problem” and that he had “given it up” for the most part. He admitted that it had altered how he felt about women. This time there was the typical “every guy does this,” and “I really watch it so much less than every other guy.” I do believe that, after talking with friends, but I really do not give a crap! I admit that I probably take this more personally than I should- being a bit self-centered, I guess. My issue, among others, is the content. He is looking at very, very young girls (I assume 18) on purpose. Legal pedophelia, in my opinion. This upsets me so deeply for obvious reasons but also because I was very, very young (age 6) when my mother’s then husband had me watching smut films with him when we were alone. Past boyfriends who watched it didn’t bother me- I didn’t really trust them anyway. But after finally finding this wonderful man who is good to me and has earned my trust, I am very hurt that he lied about quitting this habit. I am experiencing the typical self-esteem issues (self-centered) and fear. I fear I am not good enough or hungry-looking enough- my husband has history with extremely small, young women before me (and I am not a large woman at all.) I fear that he will eventually leave me, as each day passes, I look less and less like these women and find him desiring me less- though he disagrees. I have a stronger sex drive than my husband, typically, and it hurts that he is using porn as a substitution for me rather than an addition- or at all, for that matter. I have offered wild things to him (including watching with him or making our own) and he turns me down gently. Then I see what he’s looking at and I break and understand why I wouldn’t be a good star for his film. I understand men and women are wired very differently, but I would never ever ever try to hurt him on purpose, ever. Why did I/do I lose this battle? At the end of the day, he says it is the watching of people having sex that turns him on. Okay, I can see that. Sex is sexy, I guess. But why can’t I be part of his sex life and not alone in our bedroom?
hi guys i need some tips on how to master bate i used of vacuum for the first time today.
I have been together with my boyfriend for almost two years now. We have the kind of relationship our friends envy, yet at the same time our proud of. We are intimate and truly enjoy each other, and he is constantly trying to do things for me and tell me that he loves me. The other day, while using his computer to search for a product, his old searches popped up and so did some porn. It felt as though someone had kicked the air out of me. I was hesistant to get serious with him after countless negative experiences with men, including growing up watching my father cheat on my mother. He swore that he would NEVER hurt me, ever. I trusted him and we’ve been crazy about each other for 2 years. I brought the porn up and we had an emotional breakdown. I couldn’t understand why he was doing this. One day we would have wonderful sex, the next he was on his computer jerking off to some cheap and trashy porn. I feel so hurt and betrayed. He promised he would stop, said he had been doing it for years and no one knew about it. So now with my knowing, I could help him stop. Will he? I can’t help but feel that it is in a way infidelity. Mentally, at least. I am trying to forget about it, but it hurts so bad. I close my eyes, and all I can think about is him sitting there doing it. I need serious advice. I don’t know if he will really stop, and I don’t feel like monitoring him.
I read these posts and I kind of smile. You ladies are talking about men who look at porn but still make love to you. My husband would sooner look at porn then come to bed with me. This is something we have been struggling with for a while now. Our bedroom life is great and nothing lacks. But I tell him the porn bothers me, and it makes me feel unneeded. I told him even if he gets struck by fantasies at 3am to come and wake me up I would rather him do that. But when the mood strikes him his first thought is to log on to get off. And finding a little porn when we’ve gone a couple days without is fine by me. But when even after we make love he gets on that computer, not even 5 hours later, being a daily to twice daily thing - that’s when it bothers me. And I suppose there are reasons for these things. And like someone posted earlier, he looks at the same thing every time, something I will never ever be - so what is that supposed to tell me? But trying to speak for most women I think what bothers me most is that he lies and promises and they are all in vain. If our porn addicted men could just come forward with their problem, if they think so, then that would help. But mostly I know I am the one who needs to compromise.
i am glad i am not the only one. i recently learned that my husband of almost 6 years now has been lying to me about visiting these porn sites. most embarassing to me is that for so long, I would see the history of the websites of these porn sites and when I asked him about it he would tell me it wasn’t him. and like a stupid ass i believed him, each time! i would wonder, “can spyware” put his information “falsely” on my PC? come on! this is how much I trusted him. the only other person that would use my pc was my sister and since I would never ask her (embarassing) if she had gone to these sites, i just thought maybe it was her. my husband never told me the truth. the time i found out was when I had just cleaned up all the history of the web sites on the PC and a couple of days later I had to take my mom to a doctor out of town, well later that day, I was online, and you know how when you start the www.??? entry on the address bar sometimes similar sites automatically fill in? well some nasty site name came up and I was like what the fuck? and sure enough I checked the history for that day, which had all kinds of porno sites on it!! I was so mad and felt so stupid for believing him before. I calmly (but of course upset) asked him where he had been on the web that day. he looked directly at me and said what? I just looked up at that address on mapquest when you called me for directions. I said oh really? -then I started- I told him, I can’t believe how you can just sit there and flat out lie to me directly to my face!! You fucken liar!( I wanted to say) I actually said you are such a liar, I can’t believe I have been so stupid to believe you all the other fucken times.—–
I am so sad, I feel so alone, who is this person I married? I don’t want to leave him, I love him. But I don’t want to be in a marriage without trust and to top it off this fucken problem with porno!!! It disgusts me, the manner in which it is affecting my relationship, as another person said “secretly”, its just like an affair to me.—
I am scared to do it, so scared, but I think I cannot continue in this relationship.
I am a hot blonde, 25. my boyfriend and I have amazing sex! maybe 4, sometimes 5 times a week. I saw porn on his computer a few months ago, so I deleted it and started making videos with him. so basically he can get off when he wants to but with me in it– I recently saw he downloaded a porno (chick was so f’ing ugly!) I told him since I am whoring myself to him(and enjoy it) that he could at least respect me enough to not watch other pornos.If he does it again, (I look at his computer weekly) that I’m done! Ladies–don’t put up with this shit! If they lie to you repeatedly– leave! If they continue to do it …What else are they going to lie and sneak behind your back??!!
Ladies,
It’s a hopeless effort to get your man to stop watching it, if you erase his compter porn he’ll just buy a magazine and hide it in his car/truck what ever. They will watch stupid stuff like Jerry Springer on TV and pay the 7.99 and then tell you Oh I didn’t know it was nude, when the title is “Too Hot for TV or Jerry’s Hot Christmas”. They can’t help it men like naked women, ugly or not. If they do it now when your relationship is good, just wait till you have some problems then the truth will come out. Once they watch it they almost always will, it’s men being BOYS and just imature behaviour. Trust me they don’t want you looking at naked men because that would make them not good enough for you, but it’s ok for them they say. If you can’t take it just leave, but forget changing them because it can’t be done. If they had any respect for you to start with they wouldn’t have done it to start with so take that advise and move on. If you fight it you will only feel hurt, insecure and feel like your not up to his standards. Go be with a man who loves YOU, loves to look at YOU and forget about the man in dream land who wants you but needs to see other woman daily, because now it’s pictures tomorrow it will be the real thing. Can you really trust a man who lies about naked pictures? If he lies about that then what else will he lie about? If he cheated on you do you really think he would admit it? NO WAY, he would find an excuse and you would sit back and take it. Just move on once you tell them you feel disrespected from the porn and they do it again you have found your answer… They don’t respect you and never will.
I have gone through the same things many of the other women on this site have gone through. I’ve caught my guy with porn and I told him exactly how I feel and he said he threw it all away. He said he didn’t need to watch it and he was from before we got together because buying it now would be “like shopping for another woman”. Like most men he’s full of shit. He just hides it better now, but I still know, I’m not an idiot. But now that I know he only loves me, it’s not that big of a deal. The only reason he lies about it is because he’s ashamed of it. Look at it this way, many women have vibrators right? They look at it as a mere object, as men look at porn. I use a vibrator when he’s not in the mood, or if I am too tired for things that involve him. So I’m still not to fond of him looking at other women, but I can accept it because I understand it (sort of)
He’s not ashamed of it, he hides it from you so he doesn’t have to deal with you telling him not to look at it. All men look at it for almost the same reason… to check out other women because they want to. So what if your not in the mood does that give him the option to cheat? NOWAY.. You try just once to leave a playgirl book laying around, give him 5 minutes he will explode, feel insecure and want that thing out of the house. All I had to do was put up a picture on my computer of a hot guy who was NOT naked and he got all bent out of shape. Hiding something from your mate is dishonest and no relationship works with lies, never has. Even if you gave him some today, he’d look at it tomorrow. It has nothing to do with not getting any sex, it has to do with they just like it and want to see everyone naked they can. They like naked women and want to see all they can, they are not happy with what they have plain and simple so they look in other places. The last thing I’m going to do if I’m attracted to my mate, happy and in love is drive down to my local gas station to pick up a playgirl. Think about it…
I didn’t mean that it’s okay for him to lie about it. I totally agree with you there. But whether he thinks I know about it or not, he’s still going to so it. And I know that he would never cheat on me. He trusts me and I trust him. I don’t like him looking at the porn but I’m not going to ask him to change. He doesn’t like me going to bars and drinking with other guys but he doesn’t ask me to stop because he trusts me. Like I said before he looks at porn as somthing to simply help him get off and I know it has nothing to do with me, just as I use my vibrator as somthing to simply help get the job done and it has nothing to do with him. Men and women’s brains are just programmed differently and we respond differently to different things. Almost all porn is for men and they make it to stimulate a man. There are some websites that have porn for women and I’ll admit that they sort of help you get in the mood and it has NOTHING to do with not wanting my guy or him not being good enough for me. But just for fun, I’m going to leave a magazine full of hot guys where he’ll find it and I’ll tell you later what he does.
Let us know his reaction to the magazine, I am sure he will be upset, angry, jealous and insecure. When you do it back they get all upset.
Myself like the rest of you, have asked that similar question to my fiance. I have read all of the comments on this subject too, hoping to understand the answer to the question “why do it?” Myself i have asked my fiance nicely just wanting to know why he does it… the responce he gave made my heart drop… he claimed that he wasn’t going to lie, and that he enjoyed watching “georgeous” naked women getting laid. Now how would that make anyone feel? Unattractive right?But yet, if i were to see a good looking guy and say it, he’d get all upset (begining of our relationship before i found out that he watched porn), so i respected him enough not to say anything after that! I realy don’t mind the magazines, because they don’t move and they are not as graphic as a movie, and there are no sound effects. I’ve tried explaining to him that watching porn on t.v or on internet movies, would be the same as sitting in the same room as your bestfriend and his girlfriend while they were having sex ( or just any two people in general), and if he would actually do that? And all he could tell me was that doing that would be grose and he walked away! All i want to know is where is the “respect” for us women… and this really is a man’s world!
I ended up leaving a magazine around where I knew he would see it and he just pretends he doesn’t see it. I sort of hid it the first time and I knew he saw it but he didn’t say anything. So I left it on the bed, out in plain sight, and he just looked at it, and moved it onto the dresser without saying anything. I think it bothered him though. I think eventually he might say something about it though.
Did he eventually say something?
I wanted to write more, but I cant type fast with one hand, will be back in five mins…….
Okay my husband and I just got married in October. He is in FL because he is in the NAVY and I couldnt go with him. I am back home. The other day he went to the porn shop and bought a hustler magazine. I got totally mad at him and I don’t want him to look at. of course we cant have sex right now until we see each other but I took pics for him naked and everything. Why doesnt he look at those. I think I am an attractive person but I am questioning why he has to use them. When I use my vibrators I think mentally about him and no one else. I need help because Im going crazy over here. Plus we just got married in Oct.
I am Korean and so is my husband, I don’t like my husband watch any porn relate to Asian coz he can compare me with some other same colour’s women. I hate it. He can imply to me and compare even though I know I am a very attractive Korean woman. I still don’t like he watch asian porn. I told him already but he still enjoyg watching asian porn behind my back. I don’t like him looking at porn alone behind me, but in the other hand I am enjoying secreatly reading erotic novel, watching porn video and also maturbate. I never like him watch porn secreatly behind my back expecially only women in the video or pictures, Not couple’s porn, but I am fine with him watching couple’s porn video with me or I also like to enjoy watching with him together Not him also. I hate when he watches only women alone in the porn sites, but he loves to watch lesbians sex. I don’t like him to watch too much attractive women, I want to watch with him only if the video has men and women Not women alone.
so I hate him watch porn alone, I hate him watch lesbian sex and I hate him watch behind my back. I also hate him watch asian girls as well since I am Korean. if he watches white’s porn I feel less upset than he watches asian’s porn.
basically I don’t like he masturbates over these women behind my back when I am not right there for him. I feel betrayed. Even though we are living in the same house, but sometimes I am in the kitchen while he is upstair at his computer.
He is a great husband in term of almost everything., except this porn issue sometimes upseting me. He knew it, but he still doing it behind my back. I know he still doing it sometimes because sometimes he forgot to clean up his cookies stuffs i saw it. We use the same computer. we both are computer preffesional.
I don’t want to argue with him about this issue again, coz we fight a lot of time because of this issue. I am tired of it. But I am still very jealouse and mad at it when I saw the evidence in my computer. I hate expecially he watches Japanese porn. I hate those Japanese porn so much. :(
But I don’t know why I like to watch porn behins his back but I just don’t like he watches behind my back. I know it does not sound like fair. But why can’t it be the woman’s world a bit?
How do you guys think about this issue?
I live with my fiance, I found it once on the computer about a year ago and let him know I was upset, that it made me feel so inadequate….he just got defensive, not even bothering to reassure me that he is turned on by me or anything. I mean, overly defensive and so mad, like how dare I get upset about that! I just came home from work and managed to stumble upon it again. (He cleared the sites off the browser, but forgot about the history) Nice to know he’s so busy doing that he can’t even throw in a load of laundry so the house isn’t such a sty. I can barely say a few words to him tonight. I said I saw it, and he acted like he had no idea it was there (I must be an idiot, right?) then I got quiet, I just don’t even feel like talking to him and am afraid if I bring it up, nothing will change and it’ll just explode into an argument that goes nowhere. It makes me feel so inadequate- and yes, this after just having had sex with him the night before last. Do guys know their doing this to us makes us NOT want to have sex with them? I have been told I am very attractive and if I do say so myself, I have a damn good body. I’m in much better physical shape than he is….I wonder if he would feel inadequate if I were more vocal about attractive men. It’s hard for me to even do that, ogle a guy aor talk about how good looking he is in front of him, because I worry about hurting his feelings, but I think now I’ll just worry about myself, because most men do the same & aren’t so bent on pleasing us the way we’ve been brought up to be with them. F*ck that. I like the idea about the naked guys & leaving them up on the computer, too.
Also- I think at least some of you ladies are lucky that your guy at least tries to reassure you that they’d rather be with you. Mine doesn’t and just gets mad at me for the fact that I am upset by this, even though I tell him how I feel.
I also get suspicious when I hear about what women “want”. For years, women were just told what they “want”–by men. “men are visual creatures” how am I not a visual creature too? I LOVE to look at men. I get turned on visually, I have eyes. Expressions like “men get their appetite elsewhere & eat at home” just sound to me like “men get aroused elsewhere and then go home to their wives as some sort of consolation prize, and bang them while they’re thinking about the other women they got their appetite from.” It just doesn’t seem fair.
I’ve been married for 3 years now and my husband and I are in LOVE with each other. I knew that he has some Xrated movies from before we got marrried and I didn’t mind it. He didn’t hide them form me. I found recently that he bought some new porn films online. When I faced him with it, he said that it’s for his friend who’ scared that his wife will catch him or find the dvds. I know he likes porn, he likes blonds and this big boobs thing.. i’m not like this. i’m sure he loves me and won’t risk a break-up because of this. I feel real bad and unsecure. My husband spends few months a year away, I can feel how much he misses me whenever he comes back from his travels, I also knew lately that he does cybersex while i’m not around, and you know from what?… from words he whispers in my ear while we’re making love… it sounds obvious! (do you want me to touch you here? how does it feel that?.. all with his eyes closed, like he was fantasising about someone esle). I was shocked and i asked him afterwards : do you think that cybersex is cheating, and what if you see me posting an ad on an adult site? HE WENT MAD and he told me that he’ll kill me. Shall I trust him? I don’t know… we have a 2 year old girl and I’m pregnant! but you know what? I’ll sacrifice our family is i knew he’s not faithful
OK, i’m a very attractive 39 year old male with a very buff body. I enjoy porn for what it is - an enjoyable diversion. I am very choosy about who and what i watch and i watch it purely for arousal and masturbatory purposes. As does my wife at times. I enjoy porn with good looking well built guys ‘getting it on’ with attractive women. She is well aware of my penchant for porn and has no problem at all with it as we are both very secure in our devotion and desire for each other. My wife is also very attractive and I very much enjoy sex with her and enjoy my own body very much but she often is not as interested in having a sexual encounter as i am…and i refuse to use her as a token animated masturbatory device - when we have sex we do it for love and mutual satisfaction, so masturbating when she is not ‘in the mood’ is for me a very happy compromise - she will quite often ‘assist’ with her hands and this will often get her aroused which will then lead to us both enjoying the ‘moment’.
As to whether i would be put off by her having a magazine of naked guys around that would not be a problem for me. It is not something she would do as it’s not really her thing but i can appreciate a well developed male physique in a non-sexual way. I have the same attitude to images of attractive female physiques, i just happen to get an erection whilst looking at them ;)
“The fact is a wife and children are a MANS most prized gifts in life. A teenage BOY who owns a hot rod car will wash it faithfully, wax it, vacume it, and stand by it proud and openly proclaim how beautiful it is, how much they love it and will always say I’m never going to get rid of this car I love it too much I have put too much work into it to ever let it go”
I had to comment on this one - it’s a valid point…but that teenage boy will still enjoy looking at other hot rods. I’m afraid it’s not a very helpfu